It’s Still Helping Me Come Out to Myself Today

Santana has actually ended up being a vessel through which I can sort with my very own feelings, approve as well as accept both the favorable as well as negative, and also inevitably see myself in a more clear light. What an unbelievable legacy.

I didn’t begin appearing as queer up until my mid-20s, which was well after the show ended, as well as it’s a journey I’m still on. Yet ever since that knot signed a lease in my stomach, Santana has actually aided me with coming out to myself and also my course toward self-acceptance. Joy was an uncommon network program in the 2010s since it had numerous queer personalities, some that, possibly theoretically, I must understand more closely than I finish with Santana.

Brittany and I are both white bisexual women, yet our similarities end there. She never concerns or wrestles with her sexuality. She floats with life and accepts that she is at face value. While remarkable, her absence of self-reckoning makes her nearly unrecognizable to my own experience.

For years, Glee’s tradition to me was that it was a cursed show with a cursed cast– the storylines as well as jokes that didn’t age well coupled with more than one star dying prior to the age of 40 made it too dark to revisit. Yet when Naya Rivera tragically died in July after going missing while boating with her 4-year-old child, a limited knot inexplicably started house-hunting in my gut, and also I felt forced to take a closer consider the program and also its mean woman with a heart of gold.

It was Santana, the person who seamlessly relocated in between providing the show’s most remarkable efficiencies, tearing down her enemies in a single breath, and also displaying an intense loyalty towards those she deigned to hold close, that I can never look away from and saw parts of myself in (minus, as close friends of mine would certainly be quick to direct out, any sort of vocal singing capacity).

I matured in a boldy heteronormative component of New Jersey. One time in intermediate school, I drew a misaligned line on a notepad and said to a schoolmate, “It’s not straight and perhaps neither am I.” As the words flew out of my mouth, a look of scary crossed her face. I backtracked, made a mental note that my remark was “bad since gay,” as well as prayed that it would not terminate up the ol’ rumor mill.

Throughout high school, I turned with kids that I had crushes on (aka periodically spoke with as well as gently Facebook-stalked). Some of these crushes were born out of genuine sensations while others were developed out of necessity, because logic, more often than hormones, told me I must like an individual whatsoever times. Concurrently, I created a fast wit that often materialized itself in teasing other people’s imperfections.

I became sarcastic, protected, and acidic, all in the name of being funny. It really did not matter if this included holding a low-level amount of anger inside me. Paired with the most definitely just young boys I ever before had feelings for, I felt I might manage my story.

There’s a scene in period two of Glee that, upon a recent rewatch, blasted me vast open so badly that the knot in my gut can not perhaps get its down payment back (flash poll: should I stop with this prolonged yet careless metaphor?). When Santana tells Brittany she likes her, she says, “I am a bitch because I’m angry. I am angry since I have all these feelings for you that I hesitate of managing.”

Because she’s afraid of what people will certainly state behind her back, she goes on to say she’s not comfy coming out openly. Viewing Santana provide context to her anger and protective perspective gave me a greater understanding of who I am. I have actually been described by people near me as “an emotional block wall surface” and also “a difficult crowd.” These descriptors originate from dear friends as well as they’re absolutely real.

I slam as well as nitpick from afar as well as hold a PhD in deflection (a PhDeflection, nailed it). Writing as well as carrying out comedy is my biggest enthusiasm, yet my early comical voice was absolutely nothing more than mockery and also an overblown phony self-esteem that barely cloaked my own insecurities as well as temper. Bear In Mind That Condescending Wonka meme from 2012? I spruced up as him for a themed party in college. It was an outright hit because that meme straightened so very closely with my whole offer.

What do I know all these years later? While I currently have a far better frame of reference for formerly inexplicable minutes of exasperation stemming from my suppression, coming out really did not change my character … and that’s in fact alright.

And also the same holds true for Santana. There are sharp edges and snark, but there’s also a deep loyalty that educates the very fabric of both our beings. To ditch these qualities would be to conceal who we really are– a point we both stopped doing by admitting we’re queer. Instead, appearing provides us both a backdrop to establish a deeper understanding of ourselves, previous and also existing.

Over the past few weeks, Santana has actually become a vessel whereby I can sort via my very own sensations (a point that I, like Santana, hate doing), approve as well as accept both the favorable and also negative, and inevitably see myself in a more clear light. What an amazing legacy.

When I saw Glee as a teen (so deep in the storage room I may as well have been in Narnia), I never would have presumed that Santana Lopez would certainly be the personality to have a positive and also long lasting effect on me. Honestly I never ever believed I would certainly return to the show. For years, I would shamefully inform people, “Yeah I made use of to view Glee. And also unfortunately had a lot of the music, but that cares. That program was completely lame. I have far better preference currently.” What an extremely Santana reaction to have.

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