Santana has ended up being a vessel where I can sort through my own sensations, approve as well as welcome both the unfavorable and favorable, and eventually see myself in a clearer light. What an amazing tradition.
I didn’t begin appearing as queer till my mid-20s, which was well after the program finished, and it’s a journey I’m still on. Ever before since that knot signed a lease in my tummy, Santana has assisted me with coming out to myself as well as my course toward self-acceptance.
Joy was an unusual network program in the 2010s since it had several queer characters, some that, probably on paper, I need to understand more carefully than I perform with Santana.
For example, Brittany and I are both white bisexual ladies, yet our resemblances end there. She never ever inquiries or duke it outs her sexuality. She drifts via life as well as accepts that she goes to stated value. While admirable, her lack of self-reckoning makes her nearly indistinguishable to my own experience.
For years, Glee’s legacy to me was that it was a cursed show with a cursed actors— the stories and jokes that really did not age well combined with more than one celebrity dying before the age of 40 made it too dark to revisit. When Naya Rivera unfortunately passed away in July after going missing out on while boating with her 4-year-old son, a limited knot inexplicably started house-hunting in my gut, and also I felt forced to take a more detailed look at the program and also its mean woman with a heart of gold.
After all, it was Santana, the person that effortlessly relocated in between delivering the program’s most memorable performances, tearing down her enemies in a single breath, as well as presenting a strong loyalty toward those she deigned to hold close, that I could never look away from as well as saw parts of myself in (minus, as close friends of mine would certainly be quick to explain, any kind of vocal singing capability).
I matured in an aggressively heteronormative part of New Jersey. One time in middle school, I attracted an uneven line on a notepad as well as claimed to a schoolmate, «It’s not straight as well as maybe neither am I.» As words flew out of my mouth, an appearance of horror crossed her face. I backtracked, made a mental note that my comment was «poor due to the fact that gay,» and also hoped that it wouldn’t fire up the ol’ report mill.
Throughout secondary school, I turned through kids that I had crushes on (aka occasionally talked to as well as gently Facebook-stalked). A few of these crushes were born out of authentic sensations while others were produced out of requirement, because reasoning, more often than hormones, informed me I should such as a man at all times. All at once, I established a quick wit that frequently manifested itself in making fun of other people’s problems.
I became sarcastic, secured, as well as astringent, done in the name of being funny. It didn’t matter if this featured holding a low-level quantity of anger inside me. Paired with the definitely only children I ever had feelings for, I felt I can manage my narrative.
There’s a scene in period two of Glee that, upon a recent rewatch, blasted me large open so severely that the knot in my digestive tract can’t perhaps get its security deposit back (flash poll: should I quit with this expanded yet lazy metaphor?). When Santana tells Brittany she likes her, she states, «I am a bitch since I’m upset. I am angry due to the fact that I have all these feelings for you that I am afraid of managing.»
She takes place to claim she’s not comfy appearing publicly due to the fact that she’s terrified of what individuals will certainly state behind her back. Viewing Santana offer context to her rage as well as protective attitude gave me a better understanding of that I am. I have actually been explained by individuals close to me as «an emotional brick wall» and also «a challenging crowd.» These descriptors originate from dear friends and also they’re definitely real.
I slam and quibble from afar and hold a PhD in deflection (a PhDeflection, nailed it). Writing as well as performing funny is my biggest enthusiasm, however my early funny voice was absolutely nothing greater than sarcasm and also an overblown phony self-esteem that hardly masked my very own insecurities as well as anger. Remember that Condescending Wonka meme from 2012? I dressed up as him for a themed event in college. It was an outright hit since that meme lined up so very closely with my whole offer.
So what do I know all these years later on? While I currently have a much better frame of reference for previously unexplained moments of exasperation originating from my suppression, appearing didn’t transform my personality. which’s in fact okay.
As well as the same holds true for Santana. There are sharp sides as well as snark, yet there’s also a deep loyalty that notifies the very fabric of both our beings. To ditch these qualities would certainly be to hide that we truly are— a thing we both stopped doing by confessing we’re queer. Rather, coming out offers us both a background to establish a much deeper understanding of ourselves, past and present.
Over the past few weeks, Santana has ended up being a vessel where I can arrange with my own feelings (a thing that I, like Santana, hate doing), accept and embrace both the favorable and also negative, as well as ultimately see myself in a more clear light. What an extraordinary tradition.
When I enjoyed Glee as a teenager (so deep in the wardrobe I may too have actually remained in Narnia), I never would certainly have presumed that Santana Lopez would certainly be the personality to have a long lasting and also favorable influence on me. Frankly I never ever believed I would go back to the program. For many years, I would shamefully tell individuals, «Yeah I used to see Glee. And also unfortunately had a lot of the songs, yet that cares. That program was absolutely lame. I have better taste now.» What a very Santana response to have.