Olivia Wilde shouldn’t be directing a Marvel movie. Here’s why. Now is not the time to tell…
Continue ReadingTag: drew-magary
The Following Things Should Be Virtual Forever
The Democratic National Convention is just one example of things better experienced at a remove. There’s no…
Continue ReadingDonald Trump Would Rather Burn the Whole Country Down Than Lose
What’s worse than Trump when he’s winning? Trump when he’s not. If you’ve ever divorced Donald…
Continue ReadingThe National Pastime Is a National Disgrace
As it bumbles its way toward what looks like an even shorter season than it planned,…
Continue ReadingAxl Rose Is a Voice of Reason and I Have No Clue What to Make of It
Not too long ago, he would have been voted Most Likely to Go Full Wingnut. And…
Continue ReadingAmerica Is Now Divided Into Places I Trust and Places I Don’t
The family vacation in Covid mode is a fraught, joyful, and terrifying experience. I’m at the beach…
Continue ReadingA Message to the Class of 2020: Please Destroy the World
The graduation speech they deserve, just not the one they’ll actually get. Oh hello there, graduates! What…
Continue ReadingYour Leaders Want Sports Back, But Not Because They Like Sports
Nothing says ‘See? Normal!’ like ‘Football Night in America’. It’s no secret that I am horny for…
Continue ReadingI Got Extremely Stoned and Watched Korean Baseball Like a Real American
You can’t sleep on KBO if you’re as horny for sports as I have been. Being a…
Continue ReadingSome of You Naughty Scamps Are Breaking Quarantine
Nope, still not okay to slip over to your friends’ place for a barbecue and a…
Continue ReadingCoronavirus Made a Big Mistake Invading the Greatest Goddamn Country on Earth
If the ’rona didn’t want a roundhouse kick to the face, it should have stayed the…
Continue ReadingI Hate Wearing the Mask
I would never not wear it, but I am a sweaty man with glasses and a…
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